Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
