I think i peed on brittanys purse
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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