The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
