Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
