Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
