my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
