I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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