i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
