I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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