I love black thongs
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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