Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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