i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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