I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My penis needs a shock collar
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
