I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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