Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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