I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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