i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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