Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
