i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
