I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
