my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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