but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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