I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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