god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
