OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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