The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
How naked do you want me to be?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
