When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
