My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
