Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
