Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
