how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Randomize
