Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
