I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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