My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
