i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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