I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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