we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
