Screwed.edu
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
