No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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