I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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