I should be sponsored by Trojan
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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