i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
