She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
