I want to walk on stilts...naked
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
vagina is talking i cant
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
