i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
