dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
