K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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