I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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