Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
