I molested 6 butterflies tonight
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
