He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just gift wrapped bread.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Randomize
