My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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