I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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