It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
